Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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