Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
