We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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