You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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