No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
