Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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