I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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