I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
