Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
