I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
