ya dads aren't the best wingmen
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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