Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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