So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
