if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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