He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
