IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
