i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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