i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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