So drunk its hurt
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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