that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
