What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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