Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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