dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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