My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
