we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
