just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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