At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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