Soap is not a condiment
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A+ Viking dick
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
