I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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