my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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