He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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