Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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