I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
