6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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