He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
