That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
