mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
