Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need to calm my uterus...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
