Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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