I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
