I'm sorry my penis didn't work
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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