im drinking this country out of the recession.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
