My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
