my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Found the puke drawer
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
