im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
