I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
