Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
