Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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