WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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