I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
